


Kylo's Diary

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Potter Puppet Pals, Snape's Diary, based off of, because this is pure undiluted crack, everyone is ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 16:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5792002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux, Phasma, and Finn get their hands on Kylo's diary. Shit happens.</p><p>Based off of <i>Potter Puppet Pals: Snape's Diary.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Kylo's Diary

The taller of the two helmeted figures peers around in curiosity, before asking the question, "Where's Hux?"

"I don't know, Phasma." Finn, the solitary Stortrooper who had accompanied her had responded, nervous energy apparent even behind his mask.

With a mental shrug, Phasma dismisses the response. "I hope he gets back soon so we can play Sith Sudoku or something."

Speak of the devil, for at the very moment, Hux had come rushing in from an adjoining corridor, clutching a bundle to his chest. "Look what I found!" He crows in triumph, waving the bound volume aloft like a trophy.

"Is that a book?" Finn, the ever clueless cinnamon roll, asks of General Hux, interest winning out over the etiquette taught to Stormtroopers involving not interrupting their bosses.

"I know a thing or two about books, and that's a book." Phasma answers for Hux, moving to stand behind the ginger man's shoulder as to obtain a more advantageous view of the book. 

Hux leaned in conspiratorially, before whispering, "It's not just any book, guys."

"Is it a Young-Adult-Vampire-Romance novel?" Was apparently the next logical question on Finn's mind, which earned him an eye roll from Hux and a sigh of exasperation from Phasma.

_Ten seconds later..._

"Anyways, I just happened to find this book in Kylo's bedroom in a locked trunk under his bed. It's his diary!" Hux continues, expression so smug that even Phasma, who was congratulating him on getting this one over that lil shit Kylo was subconsciously entertaining the idea of slapping the gratified look off of the redhead's face.

"Are we going to read it?" Finn demands, not totally sold on the idea of stealing Kylo's diary just yet. He worked in sanitation after all, and cleaning up after that guy's tantrums were difficult.

Hux shakes his head before replying to the question, "I've got a better idea. Let's read it!"

"This will be interesting." Phasma mumbles, bemused, looking over Hux's shoulder as he opens the diary.

"Okay, this is the first entry: _Dear Diary_ … _Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavorless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried."_ Hux looks up from the page with a snort.

A growling sound resonated, and the trio break apart slightly, glancing around with wary caution, before Finn groans and rubs his stomach. "I'm hungry."

Hux flushes at the thought of his fifteen mseconds of fame being cut short by Finn's appetite. "What else is new, traitor? Let's get to the good stuff…" He says rather snidely, before turning the page.

"Oh look, Hux, I see your name!" Phasma interjected, jabbing a finger at the approximate location of his name on the page.

"You're good at reading, Phasma-" Finn says in utter awe.

 _"Today, the orange one and the traitor brought the forbidden red solo cups to the party. I'm not speaking to either of them anymore. They knew where the line was..._ Hey, I remember that. Give me five, Finn!" Hux gloats.

"But you already took my money-!" Finn protests.

Even though Phasma's helmet, Finn could sense her rolling her eyes. "We're not even at the good stuff yet. It's only the second page."

Hux huffs, "Never mind.... _I lost a button on my cloak today. Hux pointed it out in front of the Supreme Leader...Oh, cruel attention… Button oh button, oh where hath thou fled? Did thee tarry too long amongst fabric and thread? Did thee role off my bosom and cease to exist? How I wish I could follow thee, into the mist..._

"What's a bosom, Hux?" Finn inquires, the cinnamon bun per usual.

Hux, for once, looks rather awkward. "Umm…" He trails off.

"Yeah, tell him, Hux." Phasma says, a goading edge on her voice.

Desperate for a way out, Hux hastily turns the page. "Oh look, another page.... _Today, while in the bath tub…-"_

"Ew!" The three of them gasped together, Hux with nose wrinkling in distaste, Phasma trying to choking in outrage, and Finn gagging in disgust.

 _"…I fell asleep and had a nightmare._ _I was fighting on Starkiller with Rey Kenobi. I asked her to join the Dark Side; she asked me to shut up and fuck off..._ man, I'm almost in love with that girl... _when I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bath water..."_

Finn veers off-topic once more. "Mm, I like prunes!"

"Did somebody say prunes?" A hollow and foreboding voice demands as Supreme Leader Snoke makes his dramatic entrance by sweeping in whilst wearing a long robe, made all the more impressive by his height of seven feet-something.

With a panicked glance and squeak of fear, Finn ducks behind Phasma. "I said prunes!" He hissed. "How did he know?"

"He's Supreme Leader Snoke, he knows everything about everyone." Phasma whispers back. "That's why his robes are so big- they're full of secrets."

"What are you up to, studying battle tactics?" Snoke inquires, gazing at them each in turn with piercing and intensely perceptive eyes.

Hux replies with, "No, we're invading Kylo Ren's privacy by reading his personal diary which we stole from his room", which makes Finn gape in mixed awe and horror at his audacity once more.

"But you don't have any prunes, do you?" Supreme Leader then demands.

"I'm afraid not." Hux murmurs, lowering his head in a show of obedience and loyalty.

Snoke produced a _tsking_  sound, before proclaiming, "I am very disappointed in you, General", gliding off with a whoosh of his capes.

"Okay, back to the book!" Hux calls out as soon as Snoke seems to be out of sight. " _Today, I spoke to a girl. I called her milady and said I hated sand. It worked for Darth Vader but I guess he knew something I don't. I also mentioned that I would support a dictator and could see myself slaughtering sandpeople, but by then, she was quite far away. Hux says women are a distraction. He also told me that he thinks I would be Solo for life. I thought of my father. I cried..._ This got boring. Let's write a new entry!" Hux interjects, a scoff of disdain as he peers at the final line of the diary.

"That's a really-" Finn begins, before he catches the murderous glance of Hux and the disapproval Phasma had somehow managed to project from behind her mask. "-fun idea!" he finishes weakly with a forced smile.

"Here's a pen." Phasma says, removing it from a compartment in her armor and handing it to Hux.

He nods, inspecting the pen briefly before setting the tip onto the paper. "Okay." Hux cleared his throat. " _I_ _am Kylo Ren. I'm so sad because I will never be as great as Darth Vader. I don't have any friends because I stink like a tauntaun and I'm an emo pissbaby. Okay, I think I'll go cry now, but not before I throw a bitchfit over everything. Bye..."_

With a sudden burst of confidence, Finn ventures a, "Can I try?"

"Be my guest!" Hux says, tossing the book and pen to the Stormtrooper. 

 _"I… am… K...."_ Finn falters, visibly racking his brain for how to spell Kylo Ren.

"Okay, Finn, that was a good try." Phasma says quickly, before snatching the book out of Finn's hands.

Not a moment later, Kylo Ren, in all his masked emo glory, comes stamping in. "Somebody knocked me unconscious and ransacked my room! Hey wait a minute, that book! What are you doing?!" He yells at the trio.

"Kylo, Finn stole your diary!" Hux says, leaping to point an accusing finger at Finn.

"And you call him the traitor." Phasma mumbles under her breath.

Outraged, Kylo's breathing becomes labored behind his mask. "What?! You didn't read it, did you?"

Shamelessly, Hux snitches on. "Oh, he read it, all right. He read it all."

"This is unacceptable!" Kylo roars, and his lightsaber crackles to life.

"I liked the story about the button, Kylo." Finn says, almost borderlined on pleading as he braces himself for a bitchfit.

Visibly shocked, Kylo's rage fades a bit. "You… you did?"

"It made me sad, thinking about that little button, lost and alone… I hope you find your button, Kylo." Finn whispers more boldly.

"So do I, traitor, so do I..." Kylo mutters.


End file.
